A Crazy night w Mulder and Scully
by craziedreamer
Summary: muldr and scully are WACKY! read and find out what their average night is like.. no MSR .. pleeeease READ AND REVIEW!
1. Default Chapter

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Disclaimer: Characters ARE NOT mine.. although it couldn't hurt to have Foxy Mulder investigating my haunted house for paranormal activities.. *Tehe* :-P

So no characters (batman, cat woman, fat bastard) are mine.. but the story sure as F*** is! So back off hoes! (juuuust kiddin'! )

Author's Note: I was DAMN bored when i wrote this.. so if you could be so kind as to please ignore the ugly side of my random stupidity.. and enjoy the story!

Title: A Fun Night w/ M & S (Humor/?)

*Theatre and Parking Garage*

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"I'm DEAD SEXY!" Mulder yelled mimicking Fat Bastard as he and Scully exited the theatre.

"Mulder, stop that!" Scully laughed. 

"Yah' know Scully, I should have taken you to see Monster's Inc! That big blue fuzzy monster's name is Scully, too!!!" Mulder said excitedly, with big bright wide eyes.

"Mulder, you moron. I have already seen it, and his name was SULLY, not SCULLY!" She corrected him, and his happy expression fell.

"Hey, you hungry?" Scully interrupted his moping.

"Sully! You want to eat again?! You fat bitch, what the hell, are you pregnant or something? Oh no wait.. you CANT have a baby! HAHAHA" Mulder laughed right up in her face.

"Uh!" Scully gasped. "Mulder! That was really REALLY mean!"

"Psht! Oh yea.. and like waiting for like.. FIVE months to find me after I get abducted isn't mean Sully!" 

"Hey we were looking EVERYWHERE!!! for you Mulder! We thought you actually got abducted by ALIENS! But no, where were you Mulder?" Mulder bowed his head in shame, and whispered something. "Oh, Mulder, I can't hear you! Why don't you speak up MULDER?!" Scully began yelling. 

"Ehm," he cleared his throat,"Ssphsh munconvertet..." he mumbled. "Mulder! I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU MULDER!!!" His face was bright red now, as the whole place was starring at him. "Hey Scully stop that, your embarrassing me! How about we just drop it okay? Come on, let's go back you my place." He said trying to calm the now raging insane Scully. 

"No Mulder, I think I'll stay right here, and tell everyone where we found you!" 

"ALRIGHT! Alright, alright Scully, geeze. Okay, if everyone really must know, I was visiting my mother, because.. cause, um.. cause I was .. uh, being stalked. Yeah, stalked."

"Oh, is that what you call it Mulder?!" Scully yelled, yet to reveal more about his dark secret. "Call what Scully?! Its true!" He tried to defend himself, but that wouldn't hold up for long. "Oh, so you think that going to an "All Night Alien Bash Party" with alcohol, getting drunk off your ass, stumbling down to some whore's street corner, going into some abandoned building in the middle of the night with her, finding out SHE is a HE, then running away like a little pansy without paying, and then finding out that the hooker-man works with you in the bureau so you run away, home to mommy's house without telling anyone because all you saw was the FBI badge number and not the name when HE/SHE tried to chase you down and rape you!!! ..You think THAT, is stalking?! It was so totally ALL your fault Mulder!" Mulder was so ashamed that he ran like a little girl, flopping his arms and legs about in the air, all the way to the parking garage. 

He sat in the car all by his lonesome and waited for Scully while everyone congratulated her upstairs. "Mulder?" She stood outside the passenger seat window. "Mulder, I'm really sorry." He didn't even look up at her, his head was sunken so low it looked like he had no neck at all. "I'm guessing you're DONE signing autographs, Scully?" He scolded. 

"Oh Mulder, you big baby! Lighten up will you? We had a blast!" 

"Psht! Yea, you had a blast! And a big ass audience, too, Scully! That was fucking embarrassing!"

"Ugh, Come on let's just go home. Back to MY place, not yours.. it smells like a moldy four cheese pizza, and urine." Mulder was offended. 

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"AHHHHH!!! Oh my gosh! No! No please.. ah! Hey! hey you get out of there! Ah.. someone help me, please!" A voice came from about two floors up, as it echoed throughout the parking garage.

"Mulder! Hurry turn around!" Scully yelled, as he spun the car around and sped back up the ramp. *Screeeeech!* The car came to a halt and Scully jumped out. "Are you alright? Do you need medical assistance Ma'am? Or, I mean, oh sorry. Sir, are you okay?" She questioned as she ran over to a transvestite laying on his back on the floor. "Oh, ugh! Look at my skirt! There's dirt all over it! And my nails! Oh no! I just got these done yesterday!" The cross-dressing man yelped. 

Mulder strolled over to where the man was laying on the floor, and just looked at him with his jaw to the ground. "Hey! You were there when that buddy of yours tried to rape me! Why, I ought'a!" Scully jumped up, "Mulder, No! Wait hang on." She stopped Mulder from pouncing on top of the seductive male. "Sir?" She was speaking to the transy, "Sir what happened here? Who did this to you?" He looked up at her, thankful that she gave him a chance to explain.

"Well, you see, that other guy, my 'buddy' as 'Foxy Alien' here so kindly put it, was paying me to be his bitch and-" the transvestite was cut off by Scully's hysterical laughter. " AHhahaha!!! 'FOXY ALIEN'???!!! OH MY GOD MULDER! You REALLY ARE a loser! HAHAHA!" Scully spat out. 

"Hey! Sully, just shut up and let the man speak, will yah'?" Mulder brushed off her painful insult.

"Anyway," the transy continued," He was paying me to be his bitch and I really didn't want to but he said he'd give me my balls back, so I had to. Then this *FINE* piece a' ass came a' walking into the bar, and I nearly fell over on my face when a I saw him, on a count of my erectio-" 

"Hey!" Mulder stopped him, already aware of what he was getting at. "None of that crap! I'm not gay!"

"Fine, fine, I'm sorry. So anyway, he strolled on over, had a few drinks, and by the time we knew it we were all in this little abandoned apartment, and , well you know.."

"Yeah, yeah now get to the point, What did he want with you TONIGHT?" Mulder said, not wanting Scully to know what had happened between him and the other man before he found out that the she was a he.

"Wait wait wait, no no.. go on Sir. PLease, tell me, i wanna hear what happened in there." She eyed Mulder, knowing it was going to set him off.

"Sully! You sick son of a bitch! That's nasty, its just plain wrong! For a woman to want to know those details!" He spat out, trying his best to drive her off course.

"Sure, Fine, whatever. but I _will_ talk to YOU about that later Transvestite man." She said, directing her attention back to the man still on the floor, cupping his balls and humming about chocolate éclairs. So he finished up explaining how the other man wanted him to find Mulder, and bring him back to pay and get raped, and if he didn't find him by the next day, he'd never get his balls back. So he found Mulder at the movies, and got back his balls. But by the time the other man had arrived there, he was abducted by a tribe of Polish 'Survivor' Fans. 

Mulder and Scully sat and pondered for a moment, before Scully spoke up. "Well Mulder, at least that guy is out of your hair.. PUBIC HAIR THAT IS!! HAHAHA" She yelled out laughing again hysterically at her own joke. 

Mulder blew her off and looked back down at the transvestite, "Oh my God! Those balls! THey're.."

"Yep.. I caught em' myself too, And look here, I got almost the whole damn winning team to sign em' I sure do love the baseball game!"

Mulder helped the guy up and helped him dust off his balls, then he hopped back into the truck and drove off. On their way out, Mulder hit a rather large speed bump, "Damn those things, gunna ruin my shocks!" He thought aloud. "Yah' know, that Sully. Sometimes, i want to just dip her in a pool of chocolate pudding, freeze her, then eat her up like a Popsicle. But other times.. I'd just like to slap her as hard as I can with a big juicy raw slab of meat!" He thought aloud again.

"Mulder! I am right here! What the HELL was that all about?!" Scully jumped in, interrupting his train of thought.

"Oh, um.. hey Sully. How' d you get in here? I thought I ran you over on my way out of the garage!" He admitted, thinking nothing of the offensiveness of his reply.

"Mulder! You thought you hit me with your car, and you kept driving?!" She yelled at him, REALLY peeved now.

"Oh, well I'm sorry Sully, I was just-" She interrupted again. "Dammit Mulder! STOP calling me Sully! Did you forget there's a 'C' in there? Or maybe you need to go back to speech therapy with that creepy old woman you tell me you still have nightmares about because she used to tell you that you can only learn with your UNDERWARE down!" She spoke at him loudly, bringing up bad BAD memories for Mulder.

"Sully , sully Stop! Please, I'm sowy! Don't make me go back to dat mean owd woman, pease!!!" He said, mumbling with his old bad speech habits.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Just hurry up and let's get home."

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*Outside, then Inside.. But outside first. :-P Scully's Apartment*

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"So, Dana darling, are you still up for a night of, painting the town red? Or shall we reside inside your lofty palace, and cuddle next to a burning fire? Oh, I should very much like it so, if you were to let me stay a while." Mulder said jokingly, with an English accent.

"Oh why yes my dear, please, come in." Scully said, responding in the same accent. Mulder jumped out of the car and ran over to her side. He opened the door and let her out. Just as she stood, he swooped her up into his big, strong, sweaty, Hercules arms (haha) and ran with her up the steps. He busted open the door with a hard kick, and Scully was laughing her face off. Until of course Mulder jumped into the apartment without turning, so Scully got her face bashed into the door frame. But, all was well for they had alcohol at Scully's apartment, and tonight, was to be VERY fun! (Or so they thought)

After Mulder and Scully got situated in their matching PJ's, which were tight red shorts, and a baggy blue t-shirt that read: "If i were an alien, i would eat and apple Danish." They made them themselves.. because that's just the way a dog eats an orange flavored chew toy. So they sat comfortably on Scully's couch, and turned on the TV. 

"Hey, Sully, hand me the remote, please?" Mulder demanded without even turning to look at her. 

"no Mulder, Because I know you, you're going to turn on another one of those damn boring alien autopsy things on Sci-Fi or something." Scully denied him, and he turned to her with his puppy dog eyes. 

"Peeeeas Sully, I pwomise I wont.. no honestly Sully, there's no aliens involved. At least I really don't think so. Ha, they're damn HOT aliens if they are!" Mulder yanked the remote from Scully's hands and flipped to Lavern and Shirley. 

"Mulder! You LOSER! You watch Lavern and Shirley? AND you think they're hot?! Oh my gosh, I don't believe this!" Scully yelled with shock and amusement.

"Hey! Sully! I just got a great idea! Go in your kitchen, and fetch me some 100 Proof Vacca, cherry flavored mix, two glasses, four ice cubs, two straws, a shaker, and a penguin with three eyes and a pimple on it's ass! Hurry! Scram, go GO!" Mulder shouted his orders at her. But all she came back with, was a spoon. 

"Sully, you dumbass! Where are the tings i asked for?!" Mulder questioned.

"Oh im sorry mulder, I was going to get them, but then i found this spoon, and i thought it might help you dig that stick out of your ass! Who are you to bark orders at me?!" Scully returned an evil glare.

"Whoa, whoa Sully, I'm sorry. Please, go get them." He asked again politely. 

"Ok, fine. But what drink are you going to try to make? And whats with the shaker?"

"Ugh, Sully you know nothing. Im guna make us some Shirley Temples! 'Shaken, not stirred!'"He said, mocking Bond, James Bond. 

"Oh Mulder you're a jackass, thats NOT how you make shirley temples, but what the hell, im too in the mood to get drunk to care." Scully returned a few minutes later with the list of things Mulder asked for, all but one. "Hey Mulder?" 

"Yes my dumpling head?"

"Uh.. dumpling head?.." she questioned, then blew it off thinking he had been half octopus. "Ehm' " she cleared her throat and continued. "Mulder I couldn't find a penguin.. or anything with three eyes for that matter. Sorry." 

"WHAT?!?!?! YOU DIDNT GET THE THREE EYED PENGUIN WITH A PIMPLE ON IT'S ASS?!?!?!" Mulder yelled.

"OH! Oh, I thought you said something else, yeah yeah ive got one Mulder hang on." SHe came back with a black eye and said plainly, "He' s grumpy."

So mulder finally got around to **starting **to make their drinks. "Hey Sully, hand me that shaker please?" She handed him an old curly haired rag doll. "Oh hey thanks Sully.. now do you think you can go get some mashed potatoes so I can shove them in your ears to make you just a little BIT MORE DEAF!?" He yelled with disappointment,

"What? What is it, whats the matter mulder?" She asked defensively.

"Only that I asked for the damn SHAKER sully, not your stupid doll, Baker.. or caker.. or what ever the hell it's name is!" He said as he threw the doll across the room. 

"HEY! His name is _Quaker_, cuz he looks like that old guy on those oatmeal boxes. And DOTN throw him! He's got sentimental value!" SHe argued.

"Oh yeah? like what, who'd you get it from, your Neighbor's whore's uncle's dog's first owner's ass?!" He was tried to insult her, but the truth caught him off guard.

"NO! I got him from my aunt's pimp's lizard's old owner's baby's mamma!" She yelled, running over to hug her doll. "Oh.." Mulder said dumfounded. So finally Mulder finished making the drinks, and they were HORRIBLE! but strong enough to get them both completely wasted. They started fumbling around with each other, tackling and wrestling. 

Scully leaped on top of Mulder and ripped off her shirt. He punched her in the boob and shoved her off of him. He then pants-ed himself and shoved his ass in her face as she laid on the floor laughing with pain and holding her chest. But it wasn't long before Mulder got a foot to the ass and he went flying across the room, hitting his head on a duck. "QUACK!" it screeched in pain and anger.

"HOLY FUCK SULLY! Threes a duck in your apartment!"

"Oh my god, Wilber, how did you get in here?"Scully walked over and picked him up, "He belongs to the neighbors across the street, and its a good thing ducks can fly, cuz i dont feel like walking him over there." She opened the window and tossed Wilber out. A whistle came from his beak the whole way down, until you could hear his little quacking face smoosh against the side walk. "Ah," scully sighed with satisfaction, and whipped her hands together, as if to get the little ducky dirt off her.

"um, sully," Mulder started seriously.. "I DONT THINK DUCKS CAN FLY!!!" He burst into laughter and fell on the floor. Soon enough he had crawled over to scully's feet by the window where'd she had been looking out to see if a flattened duck was on the street. he yanked her by the ankles, and brought her tumbling down onto the coffee table. A plate of spaghetti flew up in the air, and landed on mulder's beautiful face. "Oh THAT IS IT, sully1" He stood and ran for a big loaf of bread. "So it begins!" he yelled as he lunged forward to beat her over the head with it. Scully leaped out of the way just in time, leaving mulder to do a belly flop onto the floor. "Damn you sully!" he yelled as he struggled to get up. But she was already sitting on his back, ridin' him like a cow girl on her bull, and dumping pudding into the back of his boxer shorts. "ahhh! oooo! eee.. uhhh.." mulder's tone went from high pitched and annoyed, to soft and relaxed. that is until scully put some lobster in there with the pudding! "HA! Take that yah' wacko!" scully yelled at him, as she jumped off and took cover behind a couch.

"Oh no! Dont think you're guna get away with that!" He ran to the kitchen as fast as he could, and grabbed a bowl of french onion dip, some whipped cream, a tofu salad, and a vegetable shake and threw it all in the blender. Scully searched the living room for some left over pizza they had been eating earlier. she heard mulder running with his big floppy feet over to her position, and stood to defend her self with a piece of pizza. Her plan to slap him with it failed miserable, as he dumped the chunky liquid mix of assorted foods into her hair. "AHH!! MULDER!" she yelled in disgust. "wow, that looks like puke.." he replied, also in disgust. "Ugh!" Scully was left with nothing to turn to but a pillow from on the couch. She reached down and got hold of the fluffy cotton pillow, and swung around as fast and hard as possible. But Mulder, being the witty guy that he is, ducked, leaving scully to spin around and fall flat on her ass. By the time scully had regained her strength, mulder had already gotten a strong grip on another pillow, not cotton, but feathered. "You shouldn't go so easy on me sUlly!" Mulder taunted her, as he swung down with all his might, and whacked her in the back of the head. 

She leaped up like a mad woman, "Damn sully , yah' look like a cave woman! HAha!" Mulder teased her again. She was really REALYL getting pissed off. "Mulder.." they stood face to face, each with a pillow, it was a draw. "what you little wimp? you need me to give you a head start? come on sully, give me a good ol' whack right here in the-" before he could even finish, there was a blow with a foot to his crotch, and a bash in his head with a big ass fuckin' feather pillow. He fell to the ground, gasping for air. "..You under estimate me." Scully finished her statement. 

"Oh thats IT you witch!" Mulder kicked her legs, forcing her to fall forwards. He backed away and whapped her with his pillow as she hit the floor in front of him. The force of the pillow caused scully's head to bounce back and hit the wall, leaving a huge dent. And, with all the motion and all, she barfed all over mulder. "Oh my God, Scully, i'm so sorry, are you alright?" mulder asked with sincerity. 

"Uh, yeah, I'm just.. wow, can we not play this game anymore please?" She said in a groggy tone. 

"Oh, um, yeah sure. here let me help you up. We should really get some sleep now.. we need to be in work tomorrow, and we are going to have the WORST hang-overs EVER!" Mulder said.

"Okay, come on lanky." Scully joked.

"What BITCH?!" Mulder yelled.

"Mulder ..NO! JOKE! joke.. i was just-" 

"Scully, calm down! I wasnt talking to you.. i was talking to that lady over there.. i think shes been video taping us this whole time." 

"Oh.. i thought you were guna shove your _gun_ into my... _back_. And.. _shoot_." Scully said seductively. 

"Oh, i see. I know sully, i can take a hint." He winked back. She started backing up towards the bedroom, signaling for him to follow. "You big dirty boy." she said in whispers. "Right sully.. well i will see you tomorrow then." He started grabbing all of his things to leave and go home. "Mulder, wait no! what are you doing? Im drunk and horny, come on!" Scully yelled before he could finish packing his bag.

"Well i dont know, weren't you hinting on for me to go and take a shower.. cuz im dirty?" Scully raised her eye brow.. "Mulder you moron. Come with me.." He followed her into bed and they cuddled up real close, still drunk as fuck. they started slobbering all over each other, and just then.. the phone rang. "Oh know! Its the Bat Phone, Mulder!" Scully said worriedly. 

"Oh dammit! who needs batman at THIS hour?!" Mulder replied. He answered the phone.. it was Skinner.

"I dont know, but we better as shit sober up!" Scully said, as she ran to get her Cat Woman suit on. 

"Sully! Shhh, its Skinner! he cant know we're drunk!" Mulder whined at her covering the phone, as he dressed in his own costume.. of.. BATMAN!!! (AN: That's right folks.. Fox Mulder is BATMAN!! haha.. oh and by the way.. in this story.. my lovely work of art.. Cat Woman and Batman are on the same side! :-P) 

They finished dressing, and jumped down scully's laundry shoot. They landed right in the Bat Mobile. "Alfred," Mulder spoke to the withered old man standing in a dark corner, wearing a perfectly pressed suit. "Yes, master?" He said, almost reluctantly. "Will you buckle me in? And tell me a Save-the-world-time story? Im scared!"

"Mulder! We don't have time for that, let's move!" Scully stopped him before the emergency got worse out of hand. "So what was the call about? What wrong with Skinner?"

Scully questioned, like they were on one of their cases. (AN: Haha.. suave FBI Agents by day, Batman and Cat woman by night. Thas' one hell of a life! lol) 

"Im not sure.. Skinner just sounded terrified! We'd better get down there quick. Strap up Sully! Uh, i mean Catwoman! Cuz we're goin' BATMAN STYLE!"

"Mulder, it is SO pathetic, that even as Batman.. you are STILL a loser!"

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*Down at the bureau*

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"Oh thank heavens you're here Batman!" Skinner was in his night sweats and had spaghetti sauce all over him. 

"Skinner, tell us what happened!" Mulder started, trying to understand what had his supervisor so frightened that he had to call for batman. 

"How.. how di- how did you know my name?! Batman knows my name! Haha! BATMAN KNOWS MY NAME!!!" Skinner yelled.. obviously oblivious to the fact that Batman and Catwoman were Mulder and Scully. Mulder lifted his mask.."Skinner, its us. Mulder and Scully."

"Oh dear lord!" He gasped. "YOU two?! i gotta rely on YOU to help me? Oh this is just great!"

"Well sir, we've helped you before.. remember that time you lost your teddy bear, and we came and helped you find-" Skinner cut him off by clearing his throat. "Enough Agent Mulder!" 

"No, no sir, im Batman! And Scully is Catwoman! isnt it great?!" Then Scully jumped in. "Yeah, but there was that one time, that i was Batman, and He was Catwoman.. it was pretty hilarious when we went to save that old woman from falling off the Manhattan bridge in front of all those people, haha.. *snort* you remember that Mulder? huh? huh?" Mulder face turned bright red. "Haha! mulder you look like Rudolph!" Scully continued.

"Sully! you jackasshole! that old woman was jumping off the bank on 45th street.. not a damn bridge! And that was YOUR fault our costumes go tall mixed up, you put the shaving cream in my-" Skinner interrupted.

"AGENTS! could we PLEASE focus here!?" 

"Whoa, sorry there skinny-boy.. skinster.. skinman.. my good man, skinny skin head.."

"Agent Mulder! if you continue, i will find a reason to FIRE you tomorrow!" Skinner yelled stopping the insults. "So anyway," Skinner continued," Okay.. here's what happened. i got up for a another midnight snack-"

"Whoo-y! just slapin' on the pounds now are we big guy?!" Mulder interrupted with a big smile. Skinner ignored it and continued. "when i went into the kitchen, i was going to make poptarts, chocolate milk, some pancakes, and a waffle.. but my mother had already been cooking something!"

"Oh god, "Scully started," Your mother's cooking is horrible! No offense"

"I know! Thats what im trying to say! So she was making these meatballs, right.. and i tired to sneak out and go back to bed, but she caught me! she spun around with that wooden spoon in her hand and she said, 'WALTER SKINNER YOU NAUGHTY NAUGHTY BOY! YOU COME OVER HERE THIS VERY INSTANT AND TRY MY DAMN MEATBALLS!' I couldn't resist my hunger.. or her evil eye glare! (*winkity wink*)"

"Oh pickles Batman! I know where this is going!" Scully said , allowing skinner an intro for the completion of his story.

"Well, i went to go eat one, and before i even smelt it, i just knew i was guna die if i had eaten it. So i did, and gulped it down real fast.. hence my bad breath, i apologize." 

he said as mulder and scully shuddered covering their noses "No big deal" they lied simultaneously. 

"So anyway, she thought i liked it, and started making more!" His eyes were glowing with pain. " And i couldnt handle eating another, so i slapped the batch out the window! Anyway.. she only made three .so i thought it wouldnt be a big deal. but when i pretended to care, she thought she'd make a whole ten thousand for me.. you've got to help me find the original three! I would so rather eat three than ten thousand! pleeeaaase!" Skinner pleaded. But by this time, both Mulder/Batman and Scully/Cat woman were almost passed out from their drunkenness.

"Im sorry sir..but right now is a real bad time.. " Mulder started to explain.

And so it ends up that Skinner.. to this very minute, is still gulping down his mother's wretched meatballs, and mulder and scully passed out on the floor of his office in their underwear. They honestly thought they put their costumes on, but were so drunk they couldnt even see straight. Plus.. they weren't even batman and Catwoman.. luckily the real Batman and Catwoman showed up and cleaned up the mess. Unfortunately though, for Skinner, they forgot and went to eat at IHOP,. (Mmmm' IHOP! ooo! yummy yummy pancakes!)

There, Thats the end of my horrible story.. if you liked it, please review.. if you didnt.. i dont really care. :-) anyways.. im in the process of writing more humor ones..and hopefully they'll be a cubicle load more funny than this one! HAHAHA!! (if only i knew what drugs I were on.. then maybe i could TAKE MORE TO BE MORE FUNNY!! haha.. ?) If you haven't noticed.. the ending kinda sucks. but thas' cuz i got lazy.. but i promise it wont happen again! lol.. 


	2. crap!

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SORRY! I KNOW THIS ISNT ANOTHER RCHAPTER.. BUT I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT BATMAN, CATWOMAN, AND FAT BASTARD ARE NOT NOT NOT NOT MINE!!! I'm an idiot and didn't correct my little typo! Sorry! Haha.. 

Sincerely yours-

Paranoid asshole.. LoL 

REMEMBER TO REVIEW!! Pleaaaeaeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!


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